The 5 Stages of Grief.

They say that there are five stages of grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. And Acceptance.

I wonder if they are always in that order?  And how long does each stage take?  I'm just wondering because I seem to be jumping back and forth between a couple of them and skipping out on at least one of the stages completely.  I mean is that allowed?  Is there a rule book I should be looking through to get this right?  Maybe it's because I'm grieving more than one thing at a time?  Or here's one - I'm grieving properly through the stages for one thing in my life, but not for others?  Where do I go for that?   

Hmmmm.  Seems like a heavy subject for today, but really it's not.  Truly.  I really have these questions, swirling around in my head, when I know I should be sound asleep, but the sound of my husband's breathing is just a little off rhythm tonight so I can't fall asleep to that.  And my brain has a gazillion ideas for my next scrapbook idea, but I know if I get out of bed and start it, I'll wake up tomorrow morning and look at it and say, "What was I thinking?"

So I'm grieving.  I'm missing my Dad so much.  He passed away last July and there was still so much I wanted to tell him, to ask him, and just everything. So,  I'm not in denial.  I'm definitely angry, but not at him.  I'm really angry at me.  Is that right?  Am I grieving right?  Am I supposed to be mad at him or me?  At any rate, I'm still mad. For many reasons that I don't need to get in to, it just frustrates me.  Bargaining?  Not sure about this one - what do I do?  Make a bargain with God about, what?  Still unsure on that one.  Might have to research that one to get it done properly.  Depression.  Well hallelujah,  I've got that one down pat!  I in no way am making light of depression, really I'm not.  It's been a tough battle, one I'm still struggling with, but what good is depression without a little humour thrown in, right? (Insert laugh track here).  Then there is the tough one.  Acceptance.   Can hardly swallow and get that one out.  Of course in my head and even in my heart I know he is gone and with the Lord in glory, I know that and I can accept that.  What I'm having difficulty accepting is that he is still not here for me.  Selfish right?  I know that. Totally selfish.

But isn't that what grieving really is all about?  Selfishness?  Think about it.  The person is gone, no more pain or suffering.  They're with the Lord's Jesus, meeting all the grandchildren, that you haven't even met yet through either miscarriages, early deaths or still births.  What glory, what joy for him!  All of history revealed!

This is what helps get me through my selfishness.  At least for this loss in my life.
One of the most important ones.  There are several much less important losses that I'm going through right now, that in no way compare to the loss of my Father.

Just before my Dad passed away, all the children and grandchildren came to say their good byes.  And even though this was exhausting and took it's toll on my Dad I could see the joy in his eyes each time he held a baby that he hadn't seen for awhile, or hadn't even had a chance to meet yet.  Or his 3 year old grand daughter who lives 3 hours away,  that he had not gotten to see very often,  who insisted on singing and dancing for him like he was the King of England and she was a diva performing (because she thinks she's one in real life), her performance had to be perfect.  I saw the tears after everyone had left, when I thought for the first time that my Dad, was maybe getting the full impact of what was happening.   What was truly happening.  He was leaving.  And as much as he wanted to leave, that's as much as he wanted to stay.  Boy, what a tough choice.  Even though the choice was ultimately not up to him, it was there, staring him full on in reality.  What courage and strength it must have taken to keep his brave face on.  No crying was allowed around him.  We had to be strong for Mom.  That was his rule.  (I sucked at this rule), I suspect that it was the rule for him at times too.  For the times he held his grandchildren and knew would be for the last time.   Or for the diva's who did their dances and singing that he would not hear again until glory brought them together again, and of course for the beautiful music and singing from Jessica and Wesley that he would not hear again until they met again.  Then there was Jessica's wedding. The wedding that she had changed the date for, and had changed the venue for to be closer to him so he could be there, only to have him pass away sooner than expected.  That was so difficult for us, because we knew what joy it would have brought him to be there, not just for him, but for Jessica too.

You might think it's morbid for me to be writing about this, but for me, it's therapeutic.  There's something refreshing about writing about it, sharing it and just releasing it.  Letting people see that it's okay to grieve, even if you don't don't do it in the right order.  (Insert laugh track here).

Since my Father's death, we've also done something wonderful.  We've found family. Family we didn't really know existed.  My brother Darren gets the credit for that one. He tracted them down.  Family we now keep in contact with through facebook.  Actually, I can only speak for myself.  I guess for me, it's part of the healing.  Writing back and forth to Ilona Nemeth and Edi Rosta who are both related to my Dad. I write almost daily to Ilona.  In some small way to me it's like having a part of my Dad back?  Is that wrong?   Again with the questions.  I'm not sure.

But I'm sure of one thing;  I want them to know who my Dad was.  The Husband, Father, Grandfather, Uncle and Godly man.  My Dad.  Our Dad.  The man whose honor it was to be his child.  Imre "Jim" Rosta.  And I will.

So this is what I've come up with about grieving;

Grief?   The five steps?   Don't worry about the steps, or what order they fall in.  Their different for everyone.   Love your family.  Tell them you love them.  Have no regrets. There, have NO regrets.  THAT is important.

Grieving?  I'm 100% positive that we (meaning Dad's family), were not the only ones grieving during that time.  Although my dad knew where he was going and was prepared for his place in glory,   I saw it.  The grief.  The grief of knowing he was leaving us behind, for however length of time that would be.  I'm not saying he wasn't ready and willing and in some way excited to go, I mean who wouldn't be?  But I saw just a twinge, the slight tears, (although I'm not sure Dad would admit it, because of "the no crying rule".  The sadness of knowing he wouldn't see his great grandchildren grow up, his unmarried grandchildren get married, and most of all he wanted to see his family, all of his family to serve the Lord.  I believe that will come to pass. See, one thing my parents did faithfully, is pray for their children.  Not only their children, but grandchilfren and great grandhildren.

Grief can bring families together.  It can also destroy families.  I pray, what my Dad and Mom would have prayed and what my Mom continues to pray;  for us to heal, draw closer, love each other, and love The Lord Your God above all.

And Dad, I still miss you.