My daughter and I have recently been having some discussions on parenting. I grew up in the generation when spanking was the norm. My father spanked us, and was quite strict, and I went on to raise our children in the same fashion. So when I try to give her advice, she is quite adamant that she doesn't wish to use this method of discipline. It frustrates me to see her so frustrated, feeling like a failure when I believe the way we used to discipline would work for these precious but strong willed children. Afterall, wasn't I abit of an authority on this, having raised four children?
Imagine a conversation going something like this;
Me: Honey if you want him to listen (him being her two year old bundle of energy), you're going to have to show him who is boss. Right now he is boss. He is making the rules.
My daughter: He IS getting disciplined, just not in the same way you did it. I don't want him growing up resenting me, the way we resent you sometimes.
Me: Stunned, hurt and on the verge of tears.
Now the discussion didn't stop there. We continued on discussing back and forth, with me defending some of my actions, repenting for others and ending up telling her the blatant truth about parenting. No-one gets it perfect. Your children are going to resent you at some point no matter how you try. All you can do is your best.
She went on to point out that yelling wasn't my best. (Pssst......although I hate to admit it, I was a yeller.) It took me several years to realize this, but it happened during an arguement with my eldest son who was 15 at the time, it was like an epiphany! The louder I got, the louder he got. I felt truly inadequate for not noticing this before, and even though I had noticed this, its not to say I never yelled again, but I did try harder not to. Because I was and still am an emotional responder at times, I would write letters to the kids. Actually mostly to my eldest son, as he was the one who really knew how to push my buttons.
I married young, to a young divorced Christian man who himself had two young children. We went on to have two more children all before I was twenty-one. So there I was, 21, 4 children trying to be the perfect mother. I was so concerned about being the perfect mom sometimes that I was too hard/strict on my kids. Of course it took me a number of years for me to realize this and then grow from it. It's quite humbling.
But - humbling is good. Humbling is learning, and most of all humbling is repenting. That's where I am now. Humbly accepting the fact that I wasn't the perfect mom. I made big mistakes.
But one thing I do know - is that I love my kids. All my kids and I always have. Despite the yelling, the imperfections, my love surpasses my mistakes. I pray each of my children know that.
I also pray that each one of them will know that they will not be the perfect parent. Their child(ren) will at times resent them, maybe even hate them at times. I pray that they have the courage to be humble, to admit their mistakes and move on without feeling like a failure.
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