Where Do I Fit In?

Have you ever felt uncomfortable in social situations? Any social gatherings?  I'm talking places you've been to a gazillion times, but you're still not only uncomfortable,  but you actually have to work up the courage to go?  That's me. In every and any social situation. It's really a drag. I mean, I went to the same church for over 30 years, and I still struggled! I scrapbooked with the same group of the loveliest of ladies for years in BC and it was the same every. single. time. It still happens.  Even while my husband drove me to a ladies craft retreat this last weekend,  I could feel my anxiety growing, heart beating faster and my adrenaline pumping.  Looking at me, you'd never know it. I can fake it with the best of them, but I still feel awkward, like I don't fit in. I couldn't begin to tell you why.  

What about gifts or talents? Do you have any special gifts or talents or your passions, are you more comfortable spending time with like-minded people? People who share your gifts?

Here's my problem - I don't.  I feel awkward in social settings. Any social setting including church.  In addition to my chronic illness, I suffer from social anxiety. Severe social anxiety. I honestly don't remember a time when I didn't experience this. This can leave me feeling lonely and isolated quite frankly. Not all the time. I'm quite happy spending time on my own and with my husband. I'm not unhappy. But there are just times when I want no - need outside fellowship. 

Just recently I've been floundering about, spending time in prayer, wondering how to deal with this. Feeling lonely, isolated and just a little vulnerable.  But God in His grace and mercy stepped right in. It's kind of wonderful how He works. Just when we need His guidance and wisdom.  A few weeks ago, as I was leaving the house to go to church and I could feel that familiar feeling of anxiety creeping up. So strongly, I almost turned around and gave in to those feelings.  Thankfully, I didn't.  Guess what the Pastor spoke on that day? I actually almost wept. Truly. He spoke about fitting in where we are. More in relation to being part of the church family, but far more reaching for me. Identifying our gifts and talents,  our passions, our strengths and how we could use them.  I left feeling exhilarated. 

But what if you don't know what your gifts (spiritual or not) are? Well, there are ways to find out. Questionnaires you can fill out, stuff like that. But I did it a much simpler way. I made lists. What do I enjoy, what am I passionate about, what are my strengths and weaknesses,  what do I like and not like doing? Here's what I discovered;

• I'm passionate about Christ and spreading The Gospel.
• I love to laugh.
• I want to be more of an encourager.
• I am discerning.
• I am creative. 
• I love being in plays. (Oxymoron,  I know.)
• I don't like social interaction.  It leaves me mentally and physically exhausted. 
• I don't like small talk. I'm not good at it, it makes me feel fake.
• I'm not hospitable.  I can count on one hand how many times I've had people over to my home (other than my family, and then mostly my children and grandchildren.) 

So then what? I then prayed over this and spent some time meditating over it. I came to these conclusions;

• If I don't push myself out of my comfort zone, I will always have those moments when I do feel lonely and isolated.
• I can be more of an encourager. Through prayer of course, but even in a more tangible way. (Babysteps mind you...) Start with sending out encouraging notes or cards. This would also allow me to use my creativity too, which has been stagnant the last couple of years. Work my way up to a phonecall, or perhaps a visit to someone who needs it (gasp!)
• I can open my home to have the ladies from church over for coffee. Allow them to gradually...yes it must be gradually, (I don't want to freak anyone out), to get to know me. The real me. The weird sense of humor, laugh loving, prankster, once I'm comfortable being with you, can't shut me up me. 

So I took a step of faith. I'm opening my home to have a group of ladies over for coffee and fellowship in October. There's no backing out now. It's in the church bulletin,  so now it's the law.....  Am I terrified? You better believe it. Will I probably lose sleep over it and have 3 or 4 anxiety pees that morning? Oh yeah. But here's what I decided. I do not want to continue to let my fears stop me from living life more abundantly.  Don't get me wrong. I'm not unhappy.  I don't not enjoy my life. I'm quite happy and comfortable at home with my hubby. Just him and I. But there are times I need more. More giving of myself. More interaction with others, just....more. 

I'm not saying this journey will be easy for me, I know it won't be. But I also know this, God's promises are real and never fail. He tells me in 2 Corinthians 12:9, that His grace is sufficient for me. 

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

So I'm standing on His promises. Trusting Him as always and diving in.  I hope you can take something away from this and that it will encourage you. Use some of these practical applications and test the waters. Make a list of your strengths and weaknesses,  your passions, your dreams. What you'd love to do, what you don't want to do. Then decide. Decide what only you can decide to do. If you're a person of faith, pray over it, ask for His wisdom and guidance. 

Have you or do you struggle with social anxiety? What has helped you? What steps have you taken to work through it? Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear your experiences. 

Blessings. ♥️

Ruth