Shadows

It's taken me ages to write this blog, mostly because it's so personal and deals with many of my shortcomings. Let me take you back a few years ago to when this first started. It began with me not being able to sleep. Now this is not unusual for fibromyalgia sufferers, in fact its quite common. But this was different. This was letting me sleep one maybe two hours a night and lasted for over two years. It affected every area of my life, to my pain levels, to my mental health, anxiety and depression.  It literally broke me.  After working with a fibromyalgia specialist for over a year, we finally got it sorted out, and my life began to make sense again. Now, this past September 2025 it started again. I have no idea why, nothing had changed in my life's circumstances,  but here it was rearing it's ugly head again. I began to fall into the same circumstances as before, except worse. This time I was angry. I wanted to move back to BC to be by my children, and my anxiety didn't even allow me to attend church. I began to question God's guidance in bringing us to Alberta and His purpose for us here. I continued to read my Bible and pray, but felt isolated and lonely and guilty for having all these negative thoughts. With the Christmas season upon us, I felt less and less joy and depression was taking over my life. It was hard to see people posting joyful times with their families, when I was missing mine so much. I didn't even feel I could approach God, because of the shame I felt about my selfishness.  

I began to ask God to show me what it was I needed to read in His word, I needed healing and restoration and I needed it fast. If you have ever experienced depression,  you know know how quickly and how deep that pit can go. 

He brought me to the book of Ruth. Where Naomi,  her husband and two son's left Bethlehem to live in Moab, because of famine in Bethlehem only to have tragedy strike their lives. They lived there about 10 years and during that time her husband died, and her son's married Moabite women whose husbands also died. It was if God had forgotten about her. In ancient days, when your husband died and then your sons, there was no one to support you, you usually ended up destitute.  So Naomi made a choice.  She decided to move back to her homeland.  Bethlehem.  Both of her Moabite daughter in-laws wanted to accompany her, but in the end, only Ruth was totally committed to her mother-in-law and made the long trek back to Bethlehem.  Ruth left her culture, her parents and her way of life to live in a strange country, with a woman who was broken herself.

Okay, so here I was surprised. I thought it would be Ruth I identified with, but it wasn't! It was Naomi! When she came back to Bethlehem,  she was bitter, angry and felt like God had abandoned her. I was feeling the same. Angry, bitter, questioning why God had led us here. I wanted to be by my kids and my mom. Had we been mistaken? Did we hear His voice incorrectly?  

As I continued to read, it became apparent that Naomi was mistaken. God had never left her or turned His back on her. His goodness and providence in her life was working in the background the whole time. How had I lost sight of this? I know God loves me and is working all things in my life for good. I've never stopped believing that. Here's the point. Satan is on the prowl. Looking for any circumstances he can use to deceive you, to hurt you and make you doubt your purpose. I know this. It's ingrained in me, yet Satan used my circumstances to hurt me and make me angry and bitter. 

Wow. I'm so thankful that I serve a God who listens to me. Who cares for me enough to hear my cries. He led me straight to the book of Ruth to show me yet again He is always working for me, all I need to do is trust Him. 

Yet again, I had to repent for my lack of faith in His purpose for me.  Admittedly,  I still don't know what that purpose is. I'm still very lonely at times, and miss my kids terribly.  But I stand firm on the knowledge that God IS in control.  He's working behind the scenes and I just have to trust He's working for me. For my good. Will I fail in this area again? Probably.  I'm human. I'm sinful. But I serve a God whose grace and mercy I can never fathom and I'm more than grateful for that. 

I don't know what 2026 holds for me. But I know the God who holds me in His hands. I may sometimes lose sight of that, but He doesn't.  

I encourage you to read the book of Ruth and see how it relates to your life. Are you a Naomi or a Ruth? 

God bless. 

From this Wounded Warrior.